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December Rain - 5

I am the very definition of Hell when I am physically decayed, mentally destroyed and monetarily zeroed. Will I choose to die then? No. Now I am missing neither Hitler nor Mother Teresa nor Steve Jobs in this world. Will the world is going to miss me? Never. It is not the fear of dying. It is not the hope for the better future. I just stay. I breathe in and breathe out as if only the Creation can decide upon the final one. I merely live, wishing and praying for my death every day. God.
I have no family. No money. I beg for it. It is tougher for the people to give Rs. 10 to me than to put Rs. 1000 in the holy offering box. That is reasonable, after all, I give nothing to those who help me while the Other one is the everything for them. I am still happy. My life is better than many. I don't have much to worry. Summer, winter...the seasons don't hurt my health much. I merely live, wishing and praying for my death every day. God.
I live in this old age home. Now and then people visit me and my fellow inmates. They talk, play, sing, dance and take photos to make us happy. At times, I wonder whether I am just another Zoo thing but no, it really free us from the worries at least momentarily. I am unhealthy. The pain of doing physical things is inexpressible. Still more painful are the faces and words of my family who gave me up! The beggar on the road is living better life than mine. I merely live, wishing and praying for my death every day. God.
December Rain 5
I am very old and confined to bed. I am alone all the times. All my family members are busy. I have people at home to find time to curse me for not dying. I hear, I cry yet I laugh and smile for the loved ones. My secret tears that I bury under the day's light are very lively on my heart, piercing every soul of it. People in the old age home are living better life than mine. I merely live, wishing and praying for my death every day. God.
I have money. I have space in my home. Can I take a begging old man to my home and take care of him as my own grandfather, at least as long as I can? I don't see visiting old age home on weekends helping them much. Can I take a person to my home and make the person part of my life. What can be done for those lonely tears? Ok, ok, wake up, this is ridiculous. I don't need "புத்தே ளுலகத்தும் ஈண்டும் பெறலரிதே ஒப்புரவின் நல்ல பிற". I need to invest my time and money on my future. Someone will take care of other things, either out of love or as a business! 

Kovil Pillai P.
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